Word on the street is that Craigslist spiked the best personal ad ever (see my previous post). Fortunately i can raise that shit from the dead like Lazarus, motherfuckers! Unfortunately, i cannot include the previously mentioned photographs. Try to imagine the head of a pleasant-faced, bespectacled gentleman of about 25 with an outdated ER-era George Clooney haircut sitting atop the body of Bloodsport-era Jean-Claude Van Damme. Now, on to the insanity!
The names abilio people just call me bill , let me tell you about myself, im a goofy creative person who comes up with corny ideas like this one I thought up, remember that old Reeses commercial “How do you eat your Reeses”? Well I came up with my own tv ad for it . Have Reese Witherspoon(the actress) holding a large spoon and then say,¨ How do you eat your Reeses?Witherspoon¨ Get it !! well I told you it was corny lol. Anyways my other goofy idea which is much better and if I have the time I would like to get it published is my own cartoon, I call it Violent Violet the Crayon gone bad. It’s a cross between the sopranos and flinstones . In my cartoon emotions represent the colors of the crayons I have characters such as green envy ,purple passion(violent violets girlfriend) anger management(he’s the red crayon) etc. My first episode is titled dare to draw first blood.
Oh heres some more bad jokes I created,¨ what did judge judy say after screwing the jury?” It¦s a well-hung jury” stupid . Okay heres another . I work in a pharmacy so one day I was asked to do a delivery for mr. Johnson. So I grabbed his prescriptions and headed down to his apartment. I knocked on his door and a 70-year old senior citizen answers the door ,”Mr.Johnson” I say,”heres your prescriptions¨ Mr.Johnson replies , thanks sonny boy¨ he grabs the bag peeks in the bag and says,¨ hey young man wheres my Viagra prescription?,cant you people do anything right, Hows a guy like myself suppose to do for fun besides playing bingo and doing crosswords all day? So I say ,¨ Sorry about that Mr.Johnson , no hard feelings tonight¨ laugh track here . Some more one liners that I invented,¨ I had sex only once,and that¦s because I believed that old saying my parents use to tell me,¨ If you do it right the first time you don¦t have to come and do it over again.¨ Also I came up with some ideas for t-shirts, remember the hamburger helper commercial that had the little talking hand , well put him on a blank t-shirt and have the saying,¨ never bite the hand that¦s feed’s you¨ another idea is just to have this saying on a t-shirt,¨ Im anal retentive, in other words Im a perfect asshole!!!!. Heres some more old jokes that need work anyways here it goes, “ I’m going to write a book on famous people who use Viagra…It’s going to be a pop-up book!!!!. Ever hear about the girl with the big nose?.. her nose was so big, she was giving blowjob’s sideways. Hey whats the worst feeling a woman can have?... She’s about the have the best orgasm of her life and all of a sudden the batteries go dead. Heres one that I need to seriously rework hey some people like it,”
There once was this guy who was impotent. So he went to the doctor to fix his problem. The guy says to his doctor,” Doc ‘I’m ashamed of my impotency and I don’t want people seeing me taking Viagra pills.” Doctor replies,” Don’t worry about it , we’ve got Viagra pills that look like candy, no one will suspect a thing.”Just make sure no one sees you taking the them out of the prescription bottle.”The guy then says,” No problem I’ll just hide them in my fred flinstone pez dispenser.” So the guy goes home and puts the pills in his pez dispenser. Later that night he wants to make love to his wife so he takes a pill out of his pez dispenser and with the instant excitement forgets to put the dispenser back in his pockets and leaves the pez dispenser on the kitchen counter. The next morning his son josh is in the kitchen eating breakfast and notices the pez dispenser, and says,” cool a fred flintstone dispenser.. better take this with me to school.” So at school josh’s friends proudly shows his pez dispenser to his friends, afterwards they all ask if they can have some pez candy .. so josh gives one to each of his friends and to himself, 5 minutes later all of them have pointy pants, so one of joshs friends says ,” hey buddy what the hell,what kind of candy did you give us ?” Josh replies, I dunno, but I guess you could call it hard candy!!!!! So a hubby and his hideous wife go into a pharmacy to do some shopping. As they are waiting at the cash register the wife notices something strange in her husbands basket . So shes says, “honey why are you buying an eye patch? You don’t have an eye infection and you can see perfectly from both eyes!” So the husband says, “well when I put the eye patch on now you will only look half as ugly as you did before.!” Heres bill Clinton insulting monica Lewinsky. “Hey monica, too bad I didn’t know you in my bachelor years . I could’ve hired you as stripper in a cake.” “But then again I’m afraid you would’ve eaten the cake inside out and ruined the surprise for everyone else”. Hey did you know a sex toy company is coming out with a twisted version of play-doh?.. Its called play-dildoh. Heres a put down you can use if people ever make fun of how you look,” hey my dog gets more compliments from men/women than you do! .. An elderly couple are at the museum , they come up to the statue of david, and the wife starts admiring it, saying how lovely and great it is.. well the husband starts getting jealous because his wife seems to be giving more attention and compliments to the statue than he has ever had had from his wife , so he says” So whats so great about the statue?.. whats it got that I don’t have?”.. the wife replies with a grin on her face,” For one thing he’s always hard!!”.. also I don’t know if I thought of this before but heres another idea for tootsie rolls pop commercial, have someone sucking on a tootsie roll pop and then say,” theres a sucker born ever minute… on a toostsie roll pop. “if a priest commits a crime ,is it considered a white collar crime?”. If a person in a wheelchair does a comedy routine, is it still stand up?” Whats the safest stock to invest in?” Reefer stock!..it’s always guaranteed to go high!.. I have a friend whose so fat that he needs 2 weight scales..one for each foot ! Okay I know I should keep my day job, but hey I tried my best to okay now to the serious stuff.
Besides being a weird little man(im 5 10, 180 lbs) Im also a very flexible person who doesnt mind horseback riding, going to the aquarium/museum,the opera, staying at home watching a movie , playing chess or board games. hoping to meet someone who always keeps an open mind to whatever crazy idea that i come up with. i like doing a lot of things, as i believe everything new that i learn , will only make me a better person and less ignorant. I love the knowledge and experience that comes with trying something new. Hey maybe you can teach something new and i can teach you something new.
. Im a thoughtful person who always thinks of others before himself. If I was in a relationship and I was reading the Sunday paper and happened to stumble upon a coupon for my partners favorite make-up , I would cut it out attach it to a sticky note and write,¨ thought I would save you money babe¨ and put it in her purse.I guess I get satisfaction in helping others without getting anything in return. That feeling that you get from making someone happy , is worth more to me than money or any material goods.I also take pleasure in cheering people up, hey if my partner had a bad day or feeling under the weather, i would probably give her a nice massage and feed her fresh strawberries dipped in hot dark chocolate. Money and material possessions are fleeting but the lasting memory of helping or making someone feel better is forever. I think honesty is my best trait, being honest is so much easier, why go to the trouble of lying, when in the end it catches up with you. What I’ve just said is charming but means nothing if I can’t put it to action. I rather do than talk, here’s an example: would you rather date a guy who can charm you too death but does not keep his words.. Basically he’s all talk and no action or would you rather date a mime. Sure you’ll have communication problems in a relationship with a mime, but at least his actions speak louder than his words.( bad joke I know just trying to make a point). Anyone can talk but few keep their words, I really hate people like that.
I’m also a type of person who likes to keep things fresh. I like to keep my partner on their tip toes. I like to keep them guessing on what I’m going to do next. One of the secrets to a good relationship is not to let it get stale. Many couples fall into a routine,doing the same thing’s over and over again. It’s like at the beginning the guy does everything he can to get the girl but once he gets her, he get’s uncreative and does the same thing over and over again. Hey relationships and life are about variety. Personally I’m not the guy that would follow the standard procedure aka where the guy gets a girl flowers and chocolates. Personally I would come up with a more creative idea such as mystery grab bag, which is a hallmark gift bag filled with such goodies such a chocolates,a lottery ticket,a pez dispenser,make up kit,a good book etc. Yeah I like to separate myself from the herd , don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with giving a girl flowers and chocolates, but to me it sounds redundant and over used.
Anyways hoping to meet someone where we can’t start out as buddies as I believe when you date someone expectations are high, you put to much pressure on date. I believe getting to know someone over a long period time (as friends) can tell if your right for each other. Hey when you go on date you or you date may have had a bad day and that may leave an undesirable impression. Anyways sorry im not good at this writing thing but if your interested feel free to write back. Oh yeah one more thing here’s my list of favorite movies,tv shows, board games ,video games and other gibberish.
Favorite movies: platoon, sniper, napoleon dynamite,clerks(1 and 2),breakfast club,fast times at ridgemonte high, Harold and kumar, bill and ted excellent adventure,a very Brady sequel adventure,transformers the movie,anger management,not another teen movie, karate kid 1,2, rocky III, rocky balboa, home alone 1 and 2, problem child 1 and 2,chucky, nightmare on elm street (all of them),searching for bobby fischer,ferris buellers day off,the crow, ghostbusters,E.T., star wars(all of them), star trek(all movies) the lost boys,goonies,the outsiders,back to the future(1 and 2),a very brady sequel.last of the Mohicans,clueless,mean girls,lord of the flies,stand by me,Goodwill hunting,searching for bobby fischer, Indiana jones,little nicky,Brewster millions,billy Madison,enter the dragon,dodgeball,hitch,therock,ratatouil
le and gremlins( all 3 movies).
Favorite childhood shows and current favorites; kung fu,sledgehammer,bewitched,zoobilee zoo,gomer pyle,Gangland,adventures of pete and pete,saved by the bell,the transformers,king of queens, the honeymooners,Seinfeld,the Bernie mac show smurfs,transformers,gi joe,get along gang,pacman, the shirt-tales, force five, Mindfreaks,starblazers,voltron,beavis and butthead, Webster, punky Brewster,different strokes, all in the family, baby looney tunes, batman:animated adventures, I dream of jeannie,teenwolf,snorks,doug,rugrats,spo
ngebob,malcom in the middle,smallville, Garfield and friends,rugrats,supernatural,everbody loves Raymond, Johny zero, last comic standing( seasons 2 and 3),the littles,Alvin and the chipmunks, heathcliff,wait till your father gets home, mr.belvidere,home improvement,dennis the menace,little archie,Family Ties, yogibear,flinstones,aqua hunger teen force, reno911,chappelle show, you cant do that on television, heman and the masters of the universe,gobots,ducktales,silver spoons, chip and dale, the Charlie brown show,alf, fat albert,the munsters,leave it to beaver, spiderman and his amazing friends,bewitched,teenage mutant ninja turtles, Kirby, dragonball z, battle of the planets,muppet babies, the muppets,Richie rich, angel,buffy the vampire slayer,stargate, family ties,wonder years,the highlander,airwolf,hey Arnold,charles in charge,facts of life,knightrider,family guy,facts of life,happy days,Baywatch, parker lewis cant lose,brady bunch, life goes on,tour of duty,thundercats,alice,golden girls,Sanford and son,happy days,one day at time,facts of life,the fall guy,welcome back kotter, threes company,perfect strangers,mask,ghostbuster,growing pains,I love lucy,whos the boss,small wonder,Kirby,dragonball z,avatar,alf,quantum leap,Laverne and Shirley,simpsons,I think I should stop now cause ive got like a 100 more shows lol.
Favorite board games: operation,life, battleship,chess,chutes and ladders,hungry hungry hippo, mouse trap and of course chess!!!.
Favorite music bands: skid row( 18 and life), def leppard, toto,motley crue,poison,guns and roses,bon jovi,warrant, van halen, Madonna, new kids on the block(just joking )whitesnake,nirvana, Duran Duran,pink floyd.
Best songs: ordinary world(duran duran),Africa(toto). House of fire(Alice Cooper)
Best tv show theme song: welcome back kotter, adventures of pete and pete,dukes of hazard.
Favorite sport: tetherball and dodgeball lol
Favorite chick flicks: clueless,mean girsl(hey they are very funny!)
Best tv show series that should’ve lasted longer? The crow, stairway to Heaven,and Sledgehammer. Also I think NBC should make a series about forrest gump.
Favorite wrestlers : curt henning,randy savage,raven,Hulk Hogan, owen hart,kurt angle,the rock,demolition,warlord,barbarian,shawn Michaels..
Favorite cereals:cocoa pebbles,cocoa puffs, count chocula,golden grams,apple jacks.
Favorite gum: bazooka joe grape, great tasting gum, comes with a a comic and tells your fortune ,what can ask more from a gum. lol
Favorite history channel tv show: Gangland
Favorite movie and tv characters: Bruce lee,master Po,Quinn Mallory,master Po,Gizmo,gonzo,slimer(ghostbusters)fozzi
e bear,gargamel,archie bunker, boom boom Washington,juan Epstein,alf, AC slater,ferris bueller, zach,Parker Lewis morris,angel,spongebob,Charlie brown,Duncan mcleod brainysmurf,forrest gump,spiderman,macgyver,Donald duck,Eric Draven,Winnie the pooh,tigger,jughead jones, sam and dean Winchester(supernatural) lex luthor(smallville), green arrow ,Michael knight(knight rider),jeff spicolli,batman, randall (clerks)kara(smallville),destro,cobra commander, white shadow,major blood,pete and pete,endless mike,batman,roscoe Coltrane,orko,daisy dukes.
Favorite transformers: starscream,galvatron,megatron,stunticons,a
Favorite childhood comics: Archie comics,peanuts and calvin and hobbes.
Favorite romantic things to do: I know this gonna sound lame, but I think cuddling up with someone on a couch with a cup of hot chocolate , watching a movie or Saturday cartoons together is romantic, otherwise nothing beats a walk on the beach followed with a picnic,or a hot air ballon ride. Oh yeah this might not be so romantic but it would be cool to go to a magic workshop with someone and learn to to do magic together. You know practice with each other.
All time favorite video games: animal crossing( this game totally cracks me up
Mike tysons punch out,Zelda,castlevania, super mario3, tecmo bowl,san andreas,tekken 5,Grand theft auto 4, vice city,legends of wrestlemania.
By the way does anyone remember lasertag and photon?
Also does anyone remember collecting garbagepail kids?
Also does anyone remember teddy ruxpin?
Hey anyone have or had the smurfs pvc’s?( the little plastic smurfs) I remember playing with them and along with the transformers,gi joe,he-man toys , they rocked!!!!!!!!!
Slinkys also kick ass!!!
Smurfs or snorks?
Vinny Barbarino or Fonzie?
Bill and Ted or Wayne and Garth?
Bo Duke or Luke Duke?
Tom Cruise or Johnny Depp? ( I pick Johnny Depp, just because he was cool on 21jumpstreet)
Kitt or General Lee?
Parker Lewis or Ferris Bueller?
Anyone ever solve Rubicks cube?.... I know obviously theres a trick to it … the only trick I know is peeling off the stickers and placing them back on..lol!
Who do you think got higher SAT scores Samuel “Screech” Powers or Steve Urkel?
Anyone besides me wants to see NBC bring back Alf?... I have all the seasons on dvd and I tell you he’s one frickin funny dude?
Oh one more thing did anyone remember trying to break dance back in the day? … I remember getting an empty cardboard box and trying to spin on my head all while listening to a big stereo system.… lol