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6/9/09 08:29 pm - PROOF THAT GOD EXISTS!!!

For the last two weeks, i've been granted a temporary reprieve from my months-long hell of unemployment and daytime courtroom television programming. No offense, Judges Judy, Brown, Milion (sp?), et al. Love your shows and the parade of human detrius to which you expose me each day, but the spirit grows emaciated battened on such thin gruel. Through the gracious thoughtfulness of my roommate, I landed a gig assisting his dad, who is the head groundskeeper at Concordia University, a private Lutheran college with a campus in northeast Portland. For the most part I hunker down in planting beds all day, the sun streaming down on my fishbelly-white skin, earphones screwed firmly into my head, blasting hottt jammmms as I tear up handsful of undesirable plant life. The work was supposed to be over this Thursday, and I was dreading my return to spending most of my waking hours holed up in my room so as not to squander the monies Oregon's unemployment department has seen fit to grant me for my 31 months of dedicated video clerking.
Today, however, Mr. Roseneau made me an offer: stay on at the job, which will be reduced from the 32 hours i currently receive (while being paid for 40, and thank you kindly for that!) to 12...basically 2 6 hour shifts a week on whatever days I choose. Under normal circumstances, this would be a crushing blow, for how could I possibly support myself on 12 hours of work a week? Ah, but once again I have the generosity of Unemployment policies to thank! Since I will be earning less than 100 dollars a week from this position henceforth, I'm still entitled to the full amount of my unemployment benefit! Hip-hip huzzah!!! Maybe I can actually start paying off my asinine credit card debt!
The month of June, and 2009 in general, had treated me quite roughly thus far. Lost my job, lost my girlfriend...if I had a dog to shoot, I could have completed the country & western trifecta. Yet now, suddenly, things are starting to look up. I am thankful.

NOT THAT I'M SUCH A SOLIPSIST TO ASCRIBE THEOLOGICAL PROOF TO ONE LUCKY BREAK. Heavens no! For that, I direct your attention once more to the flickering pixels of YouTube. Bear witness to God's hand in motion:

6/6/09 11:32 pm - Thanks Joel!

6/1/09 07:37 pm - Personal ad update!

Word on the street is that Craigslist spiked the best personal ad ever (see my previous post). Fortunately i can raise that shit from the dead like Lazarus, motherfuckers! Unfortunately, i cannot include the previously mentioned photographs. Try to imagine the head of a pleasant-faced, bespectacled gentleman of about 25 with an outdated ER-era George Clooney haircut sitting atop the body of Bloodsport-era Jean-Claude Van Damme. Now, on to the insanity!

The names abilio people just call me bill , let me tell you about myself, im a goofy creative person who comes up with corny ideas like this one I thought up, remember that old Reeses commercial “How do you eat your Reeses”? Well I came up with my own tv ad for it . Have Reese Witherspoon(the actress) holding a large spoon and then say,¨ How do you eat your Reeses?Witherspoon¨ Get it !! well I told you it was corny lol. Anyways my other goofy idea which is much better and if I have the time I would like to get it published is my own cartoon, I call it Violent Violet the Crayon gone bad. It’s a cross between the sopranos and flinstones . In my cartoon emotions represent the colors of the crayons I have characters such as green envy ,purple passion(violent violets girlfriend) anger management(he’s the red crayon) etc. My first episode is titled dare to draw first blood.

Oh heres some more bad jokes I created,¨ what did judge judy say after screwing the jury?” It¦s a well-hung jury” stupid . Okay heres another . I work in a pharmacy so one day I was asked to do a delivery for mr. Johnson. So I grabbed his prescriptions and headed down to his apartment. I knocked on his door and a 70-year old senior citizen answers the door ,”Mr.Johnson” I say,”heres your prescriptions¨ Mr.Johnson replies , thanks sonny boy¨ he grabs the bag peeks in the bag and says,¨ hey young man wheres my Viagra prescription?,cant you people do anything right, Hows a guy like myself suppose to do for fun besides playing bingo and doing crosswords all day? So I say ,¨ Sorry about that Mr.Johnson , no hard feelings tonight¨ laugh track here . Some more one liners that I invented,¨ I had sex only once,and that¦s because I believed that old saying my parents use to tell me,¨ If you do it right the first time you don¦t have to come and do it over again.¨ Also I came up with some ideas for t-shirts, remember the hamburger helper commercial that had the little talking hand , well put him on a blank t-shirt and have the saying,¨ never bite the hand that¦s feed’s you¨ another idea is just to have this saying on a t-shirt,¨ Im anal retentive, in other words Im a perfect asshole!!!!. Heres some more old jokes that need work anyways here it goes, “ I’m going to write a book on famous people who use Viagra…It’s going to be a pop-up book!!!!. Ever hear about the girl with the big nose?.. her nose was so big, she was giving blowjob’s sideways. Hey whats the worst feeling a woman can have?... She’s about the have the best orgasm of her life and all of a sudden the batteries go dead. Heres one that I need to seriously rework hey some people like it,”

There once was this guy who was impotent. So he went to the doctor to fix his problem. The guy says to his doctor,” Doc ‘I’m ashamed of my impotency and I don’t want people seeing me taking Viagra pills.” Doctor replies,” Don’t worry about it , we’ve got Viagra pills that look like candy, no one will suspect a thing.”Just make sure no one sees you taking the them out of the prescription bottle.”The guy then says,” No problem I’ll just hide them in my fred flinstone pez dispenser.” So the guy goes home and puts the pills in his pez dispenser. Later that night he wants to make love to his wife so he takes a pill out of his pez dispenser and with the instant excitement forgets to put the dispenser back in his pockets and leaves the pez dispenser on the kitchen counter. The next morning his son josh is in the kitchen eating breakfast and notices the pez dispenser, and says,” cool a fred flintstone dispenser.. better take this with me to school.” So at school josh’s friends proudly shows his pez dispenser to his friends, afterwards they all ask if they can have some pez candy .. so josh gives one to each of his friends and to himself, 5 minutes later all of them have pointy pants, so one of joshs friends says ,” hey buddy what the hell,what kind of candy did you give us ?” Josh replies, I dunno, but I guess you could call it hard candy!!!!! So a hubby and his hideous wife go into a pharmacy to do some shopping. As they are waiting at the cash register the wife notices something strange in her husbands basket . So shes says, “honey why are you buying an eye patch? You don’t have an eye infection and you can see perfectly from both eyes!” So the husband says, “well when I put the eye patch on now you will only look half as ugly as you did before.!” Heres bill Clinton insulting monica Lewinsky. “Hey monica, too bad I didn’t know you in my bachelor years . I could’ve hired you as stripper in a cake.” “But then again I’m afraid you would’ve eaten the cake inside out and ruined the surprise for everyone else”. Hey did you know a sex toy company is coming out with a twisted version of play-doh?.. Its called play-dildoh. Heres a put down you can use if people ever make fun of how you look,” hey my dog gets more compliments from men/women than you do! .. An elderly couple are at the museum , they come up to the statue of david, and the wife starts admiring it, saying how lovely and great it is.. well the husband starts getting jealous because his wife seems to be giving more attention and compliments to the statue than he has ever had had from his wife , so he says” So whats so great about the statue?.. whats it got that I don’t have?”.. the wife replies with a grin on her face,” For one thing he’s always hard!!”.. also I don’t know if I thought of this before but heres another idea for tootsie rolls pop commercial, have someone sucking on a tootsie roll pop and then say,” theres a sucker born ever minute… on a toostsie roll pop. “if a priest commits a crime ,is it considered a white collar crime?”. If a person in a wheelchair does a comedy routine, is it still stand up?” Whats the safest stock to invest in?” Reefer stock!..it’s always guaranteed to go high!.. I have a friend whose so fat that he needs 2 weight scales..one for each foot ! Okay I know I should keep my day job, but hey I tried my best to okay now to the serious stuff.

Besides being a weird little man(im 5 10, 180 lbs) Im also a very flexible person who doesnt mind horseback riding, going to the aquarium/museum,the opera, staying at home watching a movie , playing chess or board games. hoping to meet someone who always keeps an open mind to whatever crazy idea that i come up with. i like doing a lot of things, as i believe everything new that i learn , will only make me a better person and less ignorant. I love the knowledge and experience that comes with trying something new. Hey maybe you can teach something new and i can teach you something new.

. Im a thoughtful person who always thinks of others before himself. If I was in a relationship and I was reading the Sunday paper and happened to stumble upon a coupon for my partners favorite make-up , I would cut it out attach it to a sticky note and write,¨ thought I would save you money babe¨ and put it in her purse.I guess I get satisfaction in helping others without getting anything in return. That feeling that you get from making someone happy , is worth more to me than money or any material goods.I also take pleasure in cheering people up, hey if my partner had a bad day or feeling under the weather, i would probably give her a nice massage and feed her fresh strawberries dipped in hot dark chocolate. Money and material possessions are fleeting but the lasting memory of helping or making someone feel better is forever. I think honesty is my best trait, being honest is so much easier, why go to the trouble of lying, when in the end it catches up with you. What I’ve just said is charming but means nothing if I can’t put it to action. I rather do than talk, here’s an example: would you rather date a guy who can charm you too death but does not keep his words.. Basically he’s all talk and no action or would you rather date a mime. Sure you’ll have communication problems in a relationship with a mime, but at least his actions speak louder than his words.( bad joke I know just trying to make a point). Anyone can talk but few keep their words, I really hate people like that.

I’m also a type of person who likes to keep things fresh. I like to keep my partner on their tip toes. I like to keep them guessing on what I’m going to do next. One of the secrets to a good relationship is not to let it get stale. Many couples fall into a routine,doing the same thing’s over and over again. It’s like at the beginning the guy does everything he can to get the girl but once he gets her, he get’s uncreative and does the same thing over and over again. Hey relationships and life are about variety. Personally I’m not the guy that would follow the standard procedure aka where the guy gets a girl flowers and chocolates. Personally I would come up with a more creative idea such as mystery grab bag, which is a hallmark gift bag filled with such goodies such a chocolates,a lottery ticket,a pez dispenser,make up kit,a good book etc. Yeah I like to separate myself from the herd , don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with giving a girl flowers and chocolates, but to me it sounds redundant and over used.

Anyways hoping to meet someone where we can’t start out as buddies as I believe when you date someone expectations are high, you put to much pressure on date. I believe getting to know someone over a long period time (as friends) can tell if your right for each other. Hey when you go on date you or you date may have had a bad day and that may leave an undesirable impression. Anyways sorry im not good at this writing thing but if your interested feel free to write back. Oh yeah one more thing here’s my list of favorite movies,tv shows, board games ,video games and other gibberish.

Favorite movies: platoon, sniper, napoleon dynamite,clerks(1 and 2),breakfast club,fast times at ridgemonte high, Harold and kumar, bill and ted excellent adventure,a very Brady sequel adventure,transformers the movie,anger management,not another teen movie, karate kid 1,2, rocky III, rocky balboa, home alone 1 and 2, problem child 1 and 2,chucky, nightmare on elm street (all of them),searching for bobby fischer,ferris buellers day off,the crow, ghostbusters,E.T., star wars(all of them), star trek(all movies) the lost boys,goonies,the outsiders,back to the future(1 and 2),a very brady sequel.last of the Mohicans,clueless,mean girls,lord of the flies,stand by me,Goodwill hunting,searching for bobby fischer, Indiana jones,little nicky,Brewster millions,billy Madison,enter the dragon,dodgeball,hitch,therock,ratatouille and gremlins( all 3 movies).

Favorite childhood shows and current favorites; kung fu,sledgehammer,bewitched,zoobilee zoo,gomer pyle,Gangland,adventures of pete and pete,saved by the bell,the transformers,king of queens, the honeymooners,Seinfeld,the Bernie mac show smurfs,transformers,gi joe,get along gang,pacman, the shirt-tales, force five, Mindfreaks,starblazers,voltron,beavis and butthead, Webster, punky Brewster,different strokes, all in the family, baby looney tunes, batman:animated adventures, I dream of jeannie,teenwolf,snorks,doug,rugrats,spongebob,malcom in the middle,smallville, Garfield and friends,rugrats,supernatural,everbody loves Raymond, Johny zero, last comic standing( seasons 2 and 3),the littles,Alvin and the chipmunks, heathcliff,wait till your father gets home, mr.belvidere,home improvement,dennis the menace,little archie,Family Ties, yogibear,flinstones,aqua hunger teen force, reno911,chappelle show, you cant do that on television, heman and the masters of the universe,gobots,ducktales,silver spoons, chip and dale, the Charlie brown show,alf, fat albert,the munsters,leave it to beaver, spiderman and his amazing friends,bewitched,teenage mutant ninja turtles, Kirby, dragonball z, battle of the planets,muppet babies, the muppets,Richie rich, angel,buffy the vampire slayer,stargate, family ties,wonder years,the highlander,airwolf,hey Arnold,charles in charge,facts of life,knightrider,family guy,facts of life,happy days,Baywatch, parker lewis cant lose,brady bunch, life goes on,tour of duty,thundercats,alice,golden girls,Sanford and son,happy days,one day at time,facts of life,the fall guy,welcome back kotter, threes company,perfect strangers,mask,ghostbuster,growing pains,I love lucy,whos the boss,small wonder,Kirby,dragonball z,avatar,alf,quantum leap,Laverne and Shirley,simpsons,I think I should stop now cause ive got like a 100 more shows lol.

Favorite board games: operation,life, battleship,chess,chutes and ladders,hungry hungry hippo, mouse trap and of course chess!!!.

Favorite music bands: skid row( 18 and life), def leppard, toto,motley crue,poison,guns and roses,bon jovi,warrant, van halen, Madonna, new kids on the block(just joking )whitesnake,nirvana, Duran Duran,pink floyd.

Best songs: ordinary world(duran duran),Africa(toto). House of fire(Alice Cooper)
jump(van halen)
Best tv show theme song: welcome back kotter, adventures of pete and pete,dukes of hazard.

Favorite sport: tetherball and dodgeball lol

Favorite chick flicks: clueless,mean girsl(hey they are very funny!)
Best tv show series that should’ve lasted longer? The crow, stairway to Heaven,and Sledgehammer. Also I think NBC should make a series about forrest gump.

Favorite wrestlers : curt henning,randy savage,raven,Hulk Hogan, owen hart,kurt angle,the rock,demolition,warlord,barbarian,shawn Michaels..

Favorite cereals:cocoa pebbles,cocoa puffs, count chocula,golden grams,apple jacks.

Favorite gum: bazooka joe grape, great tasting gum, comes with a a comic and tells your fortune ,what can ask more from a gum. lol

Favorite history channel tv show: Gangland

Favorite movie and tv characters: Bruce lee,master Po,Quinn Mallory,master Po,Gizmo,gonzo,slimer(ghostbusters)fozzie bear,gargamel,archie bunker, boom boom Washington,juan Epstein,alf, AC slater,ferris bueller, zach,Parker Lewis morris,angel,spongebob,Charlie brown,Duncan mcleod brainysmurf,forrest gump,spiderman,macgyver,Donald duck,Eric Draven,Winnie the pooh,tigger,jughead jones, sam and dean Winchester(supernatural) lex luthor(smallville), green arrow ,Michael knight(knight rider),jeff spicolli,batman, randall (clerks)kara(smallville),destro,cobra commander, white shadow,major blood,pete and pete,endless mike,batman,roscoe Coltrane,orko,daisy dukes.

Favorite transformers: starscream,galvatron,megatron,stunticons,aerialbots,dinobots,combaticons,omega supreme,shockwave,soundwave,cyclonus,rumble.

Favorite childhood comics: Archie comics,peanuts and calvin and hobbes.

Favorite romantic things to do: I know this gonna sound lame, but I think cuddling up with someone on a couch with a cup of hot chocolate , watching a movie or Saturday cartoons together is romantic, otherwise nothing beats a walk on the beach followed with a picnic,or a hot air ballon ride. Oh yeah this might not be so romantic but it would be cool to go to a magic workshop with someone and learn to to do magic together. You know practice with each other.

All time favorite video games: animal crossing( this game totally cracks me up
Mike tysons punch out,Zelda,castlevania, super mario3, tecmo bowl,san andreas,tekken 5,Grand theft auto 4, vice city,legends of wrestlemania.

By the way does anyone remember lasertag and photon?

Also does anyone remember collecting garbagepail kids?

Also does anyone remember teddy ruxpin?

Hey anyone have or had the smurfs pvc’s?( the little plastic smurfs) I remember playing with them and along with the transformers,gi joe,he-man toys , they rocked!!!!!!!!!

Slinkys also kick ass!!!

Smurfs or snorks?

Vinny Barbarino or Fonzie?

Bill and Ted or Wayne and Garth?

Bo Duke or Luke Duke?

Tom Cruise or Johnny Depp? ( I pick Johnny Depp, just because he was cool on 21jumpstreet)

Kitt or General Lee?

Parker Lewis or Ferris Bueller?

Anyone ever solve Rubicks cube?.... I know obviously theres a trick to it … the only trick I know is peeling off the stickers and placing them back on..lol!

Who do you think got higher SAT scores Samuel “Screech” Powers or Steve Urkel?

Anyone besides me wants to see NBC bring back Alf?... I have all the seasons on dvd and I tell you he’s one frickin funny dude?

Oh one more thing did anyone remember trying to break dance back in the day? … I remember getting an empty cardboard box and trying to spin on my head all while listening to a big stereo system.… lol

6/1/09 01:49 am - The universe and its cruel coincidences

My girlfriend just broke up with me.

Just an hour or two later, my attention was directed toward the most mind-blowingly WTF personal ad I've ever read in my entire life.

I can only at best tentatively recommend you read this. It may cause your brain to bleed.

The photos at the end...they are shall we say difficult to reconcile with the text. I mean sure, the guy's face looks sweetly vapid enough to have produced this sweaty-fisted jackoff of excruciatingly awkward humor and abject 80's pap [sic] culture worship, but that body? Maybe he got a special deal on a Melmackian Soloflex or something. 

Now that I'm single, is this what I'll be eventually reduced to, only with scrawny pics?

edit: and to top it all off, my new Tim & Eric Pumpers .gif, which is supposed to be full of fun animated-ness, is stuck and going nowhere. JUST LIKE MY LIFE HURR HURR

5/30/09 06:38 am - WHY I LOVE THE INTERNET

I've been jobless for over two moths now. It's pretty easy to start feeling sorry for myself, and then on Something Awful i read a thread featuring

"A fakeposting incestual brother, a random internet hambeast sister, a mysterious non-existent little brother and a white knighting zoophile."

Yes folks, life is not that bad.

5/29/09 11:20 pm - crosspost

i was on my favorite forum-full-of-assholes, and the question came up: what is the (objectively) best musical act in the world? i'm pretty sure nobody was looking for a serious answer, and how the hell do you objectively quantify such a subjective topic? Nevertheless, i went ahead and bit. Voila:

Of all the things in the world to try to quantify objectively, music seems like it's gotta be one of the most difficult. Nevertheless, here's my attempt to objectively qualify my love for my favorite band:



Performance: I've never seen a live act so unbelievably tight. These guys are totally locked in to each other. And i think function as a unit is a good objective indicator of a band's skill.

Evolution: Plenty of merely good bands can find a sound that they're good at and stick with it. Witness 40 years of The Rolling Stones cranking out Satisfaction for 40 years straight. But for a band to be the best, they have to change, grow, keep one-upping themselves. Not many bands have done this to the degree that Boredoms have. The second link is classic Boredoms style: crazy, sloppy, and often silly caveman noise. Link #1 was the pinnacle of middle-stage Boredoms: still rocking the more-or-less traditional band setup: Guitar, bass, 2 drummers, and synth/electronics. Clip #4 is what the Boredoms have become: three virtuoso drummers with band leader EyE at the center of the maelstrom, making sounds in a million different ways. Which segues nicely into...

Innovation: Again, a merely good band is content to create music within traditional frameworks, using conventional means. A best band steps outside of boundaries, finding its own way to make sounds that no one has thought of before. Among other things, Boredoms invents its own freaking instruments. Check out, for instance, the multi-necked guitar gong EyE plays in clip 4. Also, if you're at all familiar with this band, you know the shows usually start out with EyE playing a pair of theremin-esque flickering tone-generating spheres, which i certainly haven't seen anywhere else before.

Respect of peers: Lok no further than clip #3. For their 77 Boadrum project, 74 talented percussionists from the across the world's underground rock scene made the trip to NYC on 7/7/2007 to participate in Boredom's latest brainstorm: the world's coolest drum circle EVER! And only Boredoms could stage a drum circle and excise it of any whiff of douchbaggery. The experiment came off so well that on 8/8/2008 they did it again, this time with 88 drummers, and this time it happened on BOTH COASTS.

Anyways, that's just my 2 cents. I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to have seen this band last year, which is why they're now not just a favorite of mine, but the favorite. Finding a clip of their final song from that set while i was looking up youtube examples was a delightful surprise. I'll leave you with that: PORTLAND 3/20/08

Yeah, so it was either Boredoms or Gary Wilson. Genius band beat out genius lone weirdo.

5/27/09 10:22 pm - Ladies & Gentlemen....CAPTAIN FUNK!!!!

I can but dimly recall the halcyon, turn-of the century days when things like social networking sites and cable internet were still a delightful novelty. I mention those way-back long-agos on account of i've recently reacquainted myself with a favorite online pastime: link-hopping. By which i mean you click on a friend's friend whit whom you are unfamiliar, and then you click on one of that friend's friends, and so on and so forth, just trying to see what kind of strange person, place, thing or band you can end up on.
So maybe a month ago i'm hanging out with my girlfriend, who has been befriended on myspace by some dj or another, and we decide to link hop djs. I'd like to say Captain Funk leapt out at me immediately, belting me in the jaw with an electronic fist of revelation, but if memory serves me, i think i owe my new favorite eastern sound to someone named "Ricky Snice." I just tried to track him down, but myspace music can't find any Ricky Snice, nor does it turn up a record for "Smoot Criminal," which I am 100% positive was the title Mr. Snice gave his remix of Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal." Alas Ricky Snice, we hardly knew ye. I would like to offer him posthumous thanks, however, for not only did he provide me egress into the electric wonderland of Capt. Funk, but provided me with a new turn of phrase for something exceptionally swell as well. No longer is something simply really nice, it's RICKY SNICE.

But I digress. without further ado, I give you Captain Funk," a musician who is the very definition of Ricky Snice.

Go ahead. Pop out that myspace music player. You're going to need it. Kindly click on "Hey Boy,Hey Girl (Original) by CAPTAIN FUNK OFFICIAL." Give it a minute to sink in. Let the pops of the funkiest of basslines shoot jolts of pure pleasure up your spine. Smile lazily and sink into the syntactically-broken lyrics of Meri Nesser. Hey boy, fill me with your love. Hey girl, come in from heaven above. YES! This shit is like Pizzicato Five in its heyday! No, it's better! It's P5 for the new millenium, dressed up with big, fat, lazer-bright Justice synth! Oh, and let's throw in some choppy Max Tundra beat breakdowns! Oops, the funk bass is actually on the Playmodel remix ver. 1! Who gives a shit?! Hey Boy, Hey Girl rules in all its multifaceted incarnations!

Seriously, though--all hyperbole aside, I fucking LOVE this song. There's something so achingly sweet about it, something so pure and upbeat and earnest, that occasionally i'll get misty when this song starts playing. It's like remembering the first time you took ecstasy and went out on the town, and everything felt so bright and electric and alive; this song feels like being on the cusp of your 20's and feeling like you can make any bright beautiful wonderful thing you feel like out of your life.

Well, at least, that's what it does for me.

Okay, so anyways, yeah, I heard this song and lost my shit. Step two, of course, was to see what this guy looks like, so I clicked on his photos, and was particularly struck by this set.

And i thought "aww, isn't that sweet. He's just some sweet, almost-middle-aged guy who wrote an awesome song and made himself a myspace and then tried to fill it with pictures of him looking cool in a scarf and just ended up looking awkward!" I read this next, just above his comments, confirming my imaginary image of a shy, standoffish, bedroom composing wunderkind:


If you kindly send me a friend request, PLEASE ADD WHO YOU ARE or MESSAGE (especially if your profile is set "PRIVATE" ). Even if it's not "Private",your info and message (NO PUSHING AD/PROMO words I hate) would be helpful.

To MUSICIANS, this is not your free ad space. I don't accept intrusive,too selfish posting for comments.
Thanks for your understanding."

But then I read further, dug into his about me: collaborations with SABU, Ken Ishii, Serge GAINSBOURG?! JAMES fucking BROWN?!?! Now I'm not one of those rabid j-pop fanboys, but I do like Japanese music...how the hell did this guy slip under my radar?! I checked out his official website; This guy's a fuckin' PRO!

The lesson here, I guess, being watch those paternalistic attitudes. A little bit of white guilt was worth it, though. Captain Funk is seriously rocking my world. Here's some YouTube highlights:

Hey Boy, Hey Girl Live:

Knight of Electricity-nice hard techno jam, suitable for night driving (as evidenced by the video):

Did I mention he also DJs?

My new dream is to hit up a Captain Funk Djed party. Preferably in Japan!

So yeah. That's Captain Funk. Hope you find even a quarter of the pleasure that I have in this man.

5/25/09 01:27 am - more assholes!

allow me to mention again that i'm unemployed. With the modern miracle of job-hunting-via-craigslist, i'm left with exponentially larger sums of free time than my unemployed ancestors would have even DREAMED possible! Sadly, instead of diving into my post-apocalyptic drug cult memoir-from-the-future or breaking into music stores and getting a band set up or any number of other worthwhile activities i could be pursuing with my temporal wealth, i mostly stare into the trainwreck that is the internet all day long. But every so often, i want people to stare with me!


okay, now if you have a little extra time, go to the actual youtube page, and "view all comments." Pleeeease? Cause if you do, and then you scroll down, oh i dunno, maybe 33-45% of the way down the page, shit starts to get HILARIOUS. you'll know you're in the proper zone when you see the little colored offset that denotes the video poster responding to comments. her response should read:
i'm Ukranian.
Not Paki.
And you make no sense.

there are some seriously sweet larfs in there! coljaco and Quadropheniac are modern masters of the give-back put-down, and as someone who appreciates a good dada give-back, my hat is off to these guys.

coming soon: the smooth genius of CAPTAIN FUNK

5/24/09 01:27 am - YAY I won something!

...which is way good news for my broke-ass. The fine fellows at fuckbadmusic.com had a "tell us about your favorite show at Holocene" contest, winner getting two tix to the Black Moth Super Rainbow show on tuesday (to my out-of-town peeps, Holocene is a local bar 'n' live music venue, although you might've surmised). Here was my apparently ticket-worthy submission:

“With the proper mindset, seeing Acid Mothers Temple, regardless of whether they’re performing as the Melting Paraiso UFO, the Cosmic Inferno, SWR, or any number of other group permutations, goes beyond a mere concert experience. It feels like stumbling upon secret society, a glimpse into a shadowy underground world, an encounter with a subterranean clan of mythical faerie-folk. Achieving this mindset is most easily accomplished by embracing one of the key words in the band’s name. By this, I don’t mean that you need to construct a place of worship, and you are not required to give birth to children. By process of elimination, you are left with the key to the Acid Mothers experience.
The band seems to love the road. They can be counted on to make an appearance in Portland at least once a year. Beginning in 2008, Kawabata Makoto and company made Holocene their preferred performance venue. Prior to this, their Portland stage of choice was at an establishment on southeast Burnside, known for its log-intensive construction and underground showroom. I, for one, was delighted they have since moved on to Holocene. It was this first show at Holocene that stands out as my favorite experience there. At the risk of incriminating myself, I had chosen to put the Acid in Acid Mothers Temple that evening, and right off the bat, I was delighted to discover that venturing out with consciousness altered was far less stressful at Holocene than it had been at their former establishment of choice. As is often the case at AMT shows, I was fairly certain that many of my fellow show-goers had also chosen to go with chemical enhancement that evening. Kindred spirits in psychedelia Danava were opening that evening; I’m hard pressed to think of another local act that lends itself so well to the Cosmic Troubadours from the land of the rising sun.
The weather that night was cold and damp, but the stage room at Holocene was crowded, warm and humid, most likely the result of all the pharmaceutically overclocked fans in attendance. I chose to stay cool and hydrated with whiskey gingers. If you happen to be a fan of this particular cocktail, Holocene makes one of the best in town. No mere whiskey topped with ginger-ale from the bar gun here; your liquor is mixed with a delightful concoction they have pre-mixed and bottled, and the drink is topped with freshly grated ginger. On this evening I had the pleasure of being served by Bridget, easily my favorite bartender in town. I’ve never seen her less than cheerful and friendly, regardless of how busy the bar might be, and she has a firm grasp on astrology as well, from what my star-ignorant self can tell; the last time I was single, she told me to find myself a Virgo. Maybe you can guess my girlfriend’s sign.
Bolstered by delicious drink and Bridget’s friendly words, Acid Mothers were ready to take the stage. I worked my way up to the front of the crowd, taking my place with the rest of the gaping-pupiled freaks and weirdos, most sporting long hair, beards, and leather knee-high boots, a regular reprobate’s row straight out of a degenerate renaissance faire. Everyone had their psychic sails unfurled, ready to catch the cosmic wind about to blow off of the stage.
As usual, the bassist Atsushi Tsuyama did most of the talking for the group, thanking us all for coming and cracking jokes in broken English. AMT performed most of their live show staples, treating us to extended freak-outs during “Pink Lady Lemonade” and “Dark Stars in the Dazzling Sky,” with guitar god and guru Kawabata Makoto interlacing his solos with guitar-god theatrics, swinging his guitar in huge windmills by the headstock and then raising his inverted axe straight up to the heavens, reaching up with his free hand for fret runs, then swinging back down and repeating the process. I can’t be sure what the back of the house made of the madness, but the first few rows of fans responded enthusiastically to the performance, swaying and twitching, arms upraised and eyes slitted with delight.
One audience member in particular stood out that evening. He was a short, stocky little man who looked to be pushing fifty, with buzzed hair up front and a greasy fringe of mullety drape in the back, wearing a white t-shirt, acid-washed jeans, a sheen of sweat, and a sour expression. With his piggish nose, cro-magnon brow, and hot dog package neck rolls, his appearance strongly evoked the image of a Gamorrean guard from “Return of the Jedi.” At one point in the show I noticed a petite hippyish girl who kept bumping into this trollish fellow from behind with her enthusiastic dancing. After several contacts, the ogre scowled and jabbed backwards with a vicious elbow that caught the girl in the stomach, followed by a whirl and glare from the cranky fellow. The girl laughed in his face. She was a real trooper.
All in all, the band treated us to about 90 minutes of kaleidoscopic jams, slow burners, and fireball rave-ups, and encored with Danava to the tune of “Na Na Na Hey Hey (Goodbye).” The sound was fantastic, and the crowd was just crowded enough, enthusiastic, and appropriately freaky, as even sourpusses like the troll man have their place at an Acid Mothers show. Holocene seemed provide just the right air of hands-off attitude to allow a crowd able to step outside of itself enough to cut loose and let the band do likewise. Unfortunately AMT already made their ‘09 appearance at Holocene in April, but keep your eyes peeled and catch them in 2010 when they’ll almost certainly re-appear. Get your freak on.”

Just got back from Amanda Blank at Rotture. Even though she was only on for about 30 minutes, was she ever ONNNNNN. Stone foxy and with attitude to spare. I fear i may have danced myself into a fever relapse.

Is anybody gonna be at Animal Collective on monday?

5/11/09 12:56 am - WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

Yeah, damn it, what happened to this country? We used to have a real man running the show, a good ol' boy who chopped mesquite and tortured motherfuckers... THAT FAGGOTY FANCY-MUSTARD SONUVABITCH IS NO PRESIDENT OF MINE!
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